News Roundup for 12/22/08

Pet the Purple Squirrel
'Sod off, wanker!'

-Headline of the day-
"Ink clue over 'purple' squirrel."

The headline kind of gives everything away, but what are you gonna do? Kids at a Hampshire, UK school may or may not be doing drugs, but the purple squirrel they've been seeing is real. I'm leaning toward believing the kids aren't doing drugs, since "Pete the Purple Squirrel" isn't a very imaginative name.

Turns out the squirrel -- an ordinary, everyday gray squirrel -- got into some discarded ink cartridges from the school's printers. "I'm wondering whether one of the cartridges has, one of two things, either leaked into some water into which the squirrel has bathed or fallen, which seems the least likely," said wildlife expert Chris Packham. "I know it sounds absurd but there is no reason why it wouldn't have chewed up an old printer cartridge, perhaps got this on to its paw or its mouth and groomed it into its fur."

Or maybe this squirrel is a squirrel with an attitude -- he did it on purpose because he's a punk. Squirrels, as anyone can tell you, are naturally anarchists, so it's really not much of a stretch. Monkeys, lemurs, squirrels -- I challenge you to come up with an arboreal mammal that isn't trouble.

They really have no respect for authority. (BBC)

-Also from across the pond...-
...Archbishop of Canterbury Rowan Williams has some advice for UK PM Gordon Brown; don't be like Hitler. You know, in the "advice that you'll never regret giving" category, that would rate pretty high. You might even make it the guiding principle of your life -- a sort of anti-what-would-Jesus-do question. Ask yourself, "What would Hitler do?" then do something else. How could you possibly go wrong?

So, in dealing with the economic problems that face the UK, Williams urges Brown not to be like Hitler, saying the German Chancellor's movement "worked quite consistently once you accepted that quite a lot of people that you might have thought mattered as human beings actually didn't."

Of course, this philosophy has a flaw. Some dumbass is always going to cite Godwin's Law. It has to happen. (Agence France-Press)

-Carbon sequestration and gay pizza-
Speaking on the subject of homosexuality, Pope Benedict XVI likened "saving" gays to saving the rainforest. "[The Church] should also protect man from the destruction of himself. A sort of ecology of man is needed," His Popishness said. "The tropical forests do deserve our protection. But man, as a creature, does not deserve any less."

Why would Popin' Fresh make that comparison? Mostly because he's a crazy old wizard. It's the only explanation. Benny needs to ask himself "What would Hitler do?" more often.

Another wizard made an even stupider comparison recently -- and, yes, it turns out that's possible. "Just because I like pizza it doesn’t mean I should marry it," said fellow wizard Rick Warren. "Biologically, I am predisposed to enjoy the immaculate melding of mozzarella cheese, red sauce and thick crust baked to tasty perfection."

He didn't stop there. Once the crazy train leaves the station, I guess it's hard to put on the brakes. "But that doesn’t mean I should enter into a lifelong commitment with Sicilian or plain, nor bed it down, nor bring children into the world and have them have to explain to their classmates why their mom’s crust is not as crisp as it once was," the crazy wizard went on. "Does any child deserve to have their friends tossing Monday 2 for 1 coupons in his face? Not in my world they don’t. Yet, to say that I am against pizza-eaters or gays is absurd. Our Saddleback Church offers more weight-watchers meetings to overeaters than any other evangelical megachurch on the west coast."

What the hell are you talking about? Is that supposed to make any sense at all? Are we still talking in insane metaphors here or are we talking about actual weight-watchers meetings? And what are the coupons a metaphor for? Holy crap, but this guy's one crazy-assed wizard.

Seriously Barack, what the hell do you see in this moron? (Pam's House Blend, Steve Young on Politics)

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