News Roundup for 4/6/09

Copy Machine
No match for White House ghosts

-Headline of the day-
"Cheney to keep vice presidential records, will not allow them to go to Bush library 'for now.'"

Wait, wait, wait... I know what you're thinking. You're thinking the Big Dick wants to keep his records secret, since he went to such trouble to do it while he was in office. But that's not the case and you're being totally unfair to the poor guy. He has a perfectly reasonable explanation.

According to the report, "Cheney's team said the former VP needs them to write his memoirs." See?

"It made more sense and was more convenient to keep them in DC," said a Cheney spokesperson. See, most people don't know it, but official White House records are haunted and can't be copied. Put them in a Xerox machine and all you get are ghostly images of Abraham Lincoln. So you can see Dick's problem. He really has no choice.

And the records aren't the only haunted items that Cheney has to hold onto for research reasons. "A set of gold Murano glass candlesticks and bowls from Italian Prime Minister Silvio Berlusconi" will stay with Dick as well.

"The VP preferred to have the VP artifacts remain with the records," said Sharon Fawcett, assistant archivist for presidential libraries. See, he needs them to write his book because... so he can... you've got to...

Never you mind, noseypants. He just needs them. (Think Progress)

-Cartoon time with Mark Fiore-
Hey kids, does Mom and/or Dad need a car and/or truck and/or minivan? Send them to Barry's Auto Emporium!

Barry's Auto Emporium
Click to watch animation

Get yourself -- and the country -- back on the road again. Don't forget to get the undercoating! (MarkFiore.com)

-How to be crazy-
Step 1; be Minnesota Rep. Michele Bachmann. Step 2; sit back and enjoy the crazy.

America's favorite Republican lunatic was interviewed by Minnesota radio station KTLK-AM this weekend and it turns out that Obama signed an expansion of AmeriCorps because he's Pol Pot. This is a nice change from the "Obama's Hitler," "Obama's a secret Muslim terr'ist," and "Obama's the antichrist" stuff you usually get from the wingnut fringe.

According to the report, Shelly "fears the Obama administration will create 're-education camps for young people, where young people have to go and get trained in a philosophy that the government puts forward and then they have to go to work in some of these politically correct forums.'" Good thing she's watching out for stuff like this, because it's not paranoid at all.

Still, some naysayers are making with the saying of the nay. "FactCheck.org debunks this line of thinking on the national service bill," we're told.

Facts. Pffft! Who needs facts? Facts are elitist because they tell you what to believe. Where would we be today if we relied on these so-called "facts?" Not in Iraq, I promise you that. Because the "facts" had it that there were no WMD there and that Saddam Hussein was no threat to the US. Those "facts" were easily countered with "9/11, 9/11, 9/11!!" So how true can "facts" possibly be?

"Facts" tell us that there were no dinosaurs on Noah's Ark, that global warming's some kind of problem, that waterboarding is torture, that the Earth orbits the Sun, and that babies aren't found under cabbage leaves. Screw that.

Michele Bachmann shows us that if we believe something hard enough -- really wish it so with all our little hearts -- it automatically comes true. Some people would call that "magical thinking," but those people are terr'ists and commies.

It's called faith. Welcome to the crazy. (Minnesota Independent)

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