From fake vagina oven mitts to viper snake face cream: There’s a credit crunchproof product for everyone!


(You truly can’t make this shit up…)

Have you ever looked at a rubber ducky and thought, ‘You know, with the right kind of lighting and a bit of lubricant this would make a perfect low budget luxury sex doll’?


Then you’re missing a few tricks, I’m afraid – especially in the heavily mortgaged, financially fraught fun house we’re all living in, these days.

Truly, times have not been easy, lately, what with the economic crisis and all. Second homes, second cars, second helpings in posh restaurants and even that most famous extra, the bit-on-the-side, have had to be sent on a one way journey to that most horrible of contraptions: the credit cruncher.

So, everyone must make do now with their tatty old apartments, crusty Opel Records, smelly take-away left-overs and frankly fuggy first husbands & wives.

Which is why it is such a blessing that the saints & martyrs who run our cosmetic industry are always trying to find ways to produce and market products aimed to provide the destitute & despairing punters with ever-new opportunities to part with their last pathetic pennies.

So, let’s hear it for viper snake cream:

“Snake venom is being marketed as a budget alternative to Botox. A new cream claims to smooth wrinkles using a synthetic form of the poison produced by Asian temple viper snakes. The £6 tubes of Lacura Wrinkle Stop contain a compound called Syn-Ake, which mimics the snake’s paralysing venom. It promises to block the nerve signals which cause facial muscles to contract and can lead to lines.”

I guess the Lacura crowd could make this product part of something called the ‘Cleopatra line.’ I even have a slogan for them:

‘You don’t need to bathe in ass’s milk to make an ass of yourself!’

Mind you, I’m sure there will be a huge market for these cheap luxury products. From mouse shit caviar to Silly Putty breast enhancements, there will be a pair of fake silk knickers for every pig’s ear’s budget.

I mean, I started with rubber duckies but why stop there? You can have soda can rings that double as penis rings, oven mitts shaped like fake vaginas…

… or my personal favourite: The lubricated 45. ‘Deep Throat’ Colt revolver, with luxury lipsticked pouty barrel.

(“No muss, no fuss, no spills” indeed…)

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