Anthropologists prove that the pizza courier porn scenario really works


(Romance is for chumps - sorry: chimps…)

One of today’s themes will be reincarnation, by way of the perpetuum mobile, chimps and pizza couriers.

So, man is an ever curious animal. We are always looking for perfection and are never quite satisfied with what we already have. “The grass is always greener on the other side,” we say and then we do either of the following three things:

a) We pretend our type of grass is superior anyway
b) We invest an incredible amount of money and energy to win this grass race or
c) We bomb the crap out of our neighbour’s lawn.

Anyway, one of the ultimate symbols of the perfection for which we reach is the perpetuum mobile: Energy without effort.

Which brings us to the subject of reincarnation, which is religion’s alternative to the perpetuum mobile: The wheel of life, spinning senselessly, forever and ever amen – or Om.

A kind of eternal Ferris wheel. You get on as a bug, get off as a buffalo; get on again as a shrimp, get off as a seagull – and on and on she goes, where she stops we’ll never know.

That is, we know where: At the same bloody pointless point where it started, leading us from Ardvark to Zebra and back again – but why the Gods would want to build that stupid Ferris wheel to begin with, who knows?

Maybe the Gods are like our scientists: Always doing one weird experiment or the other and drawing conclusions from them which mere mortals would call ‘insane’ – but won’t, since Gods can be prickly and arrogant Bastards.


(What’s love got to do with it, if leek can get you laid…?)

A bit like scientists, in that sense but scientists can’t (usually) smite us with thunderbolts, or change us into pillars of salt, or do a Job job on us – so I have no problem calling the conclusions that the following scientists reached slightly demented:

“Buying a woman presents could help men get them into bed, a new study which shows that chimpanzees have sex for gifts suggests. Wild chimps who regularly gave away food were twice as successful with females as their rivals, researchers found. They say that their study adds to proof that the animals can plan over the long-term.

Cristina Gomes, one of the lead researchers, from the Max Planck Institute for Evolutionary Anthropology in Germany, said: “These findings are bound to have an impact on our current knowledge about relationships between men and women,” she added.”

Yes, I’m sure they will – which leaves me properly chastened: There I was, scoffing at that most favourite porn scenario, which has your average pizza delivery boy having more sex than a platoon of George Clooneys and now, thanks to Germany’s Max Planck Institute for Evolutionary Anthropology, we know that the porn industry was right all the time.

So, for those who want to improve their sex life there are two obvious options. Either put your trust in those anthropologists and become a pizza courier…

… or become a Buddhist and pray fervently to your perpetuum mobile prayer wheel that you may come back as a male chimp.

(What the fuck indeed…?)

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