As if Tom Jones wasn’t bad enough: Wales has begun breeding Smurfs


(What we really don’t need: 2,510 fucking, Welsh Smurfs…)

Do you like Smurfs? Does anyone like Smurfs? I sure as Hell don’t – but then I also find the whole Irish leprechaun lark quite annoying, so, perhaps, it’s just me being a spiteful speciest.

Come to think of it, I also have a grudge against garden gnomes. So, okay, let’s just admit that I am a specious species speciest, or something. If it’s small, stupidly coloured and wilfully upbeat, give it a damn good kicking, is what I say.

I will even go so far as to include certain small wannabe countries that don’t use vowels and have sheep, leeks and Tom Jones as their major export product.

I never really saw the point of Wales, to be honest. In that, I am in full agreement with Anne Robinson, even though she is also quite small and pigmentally challenged – though noone could ever accuse her of being wilfully upbeat, of course.

Okay, but what do Wales and Smurfs have to do with each other, you may well ask. Apart from being needlessly annoying, that is.

I’ll explain.

So, only yesterday, I sang the (faint) praises of capitalism, stating that – apart from all else – capitalism was a damn lot funnier than communism.

I’ll stand by that brilliant bit of analysis, of course but I now also want to add that, where communism is as creative as a Welsh leek with writer’s block, capitalism can be amazingly inventive – while, admittedly, also often being as tacky as a Tom Jones shaped novelty condom.

As the following news story shows:

“The world record for the largest number of people dressed as Smurfs has been smashed in Swansea. The Welsh city was turned blue as a group of 2,510 people, the majority of whom were students from the local university, crammed into the Oceana nightclub to almost double the previous record. The event was organised by UK fancy dress costume seller Jokers’ Masquerade and was not verified until 1am as every “Smurf” had to be checked to make sure no natural skin was showing.”

You can see that Jokers’ Masquerade manager, standing in front of his warehouse, desperately trying to find a way to get rid of all those damn Smurf outfits, till he thinks, ‘Leeks! Sheep! Eedjits! WALES!!!

Anyway, Wales is welcome to those Smurfs.

Still, you know what will happen next, don’t you? Wales is a very boring place, so those damn Smurfs will probably find nothing better to do than to start breeding like Viagra fed fuck bunnies.

So, before you can say, “Could I order some more of those Tom Jones condoms, please?”, the world will be cursed with yet another infuriatingly useless Welsh export product.

(Try to beat that, Wales! Here’s one of Holland’s most Godawful export products…)

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