News Roundup for 8/17/09

Girl in ballerina outfit
Former Speaker of the House Tom DeLay

-Headline of the day-
"'Dancing With the Stars' cast includes Tom DeLay."

No, really. According to the report, Twinkletoes DeLay will join "entertainer Donny Osmond; singers Mya, Macy Gray and Aaron Carter; actors Melissa Joan Hart, Debi Mazar and Ashley Hamilton (son of George); models Joanna Krupa and Kathy Ireland; reality stars Kelly Osbourne and Mark Dacascos ('the Chairman' on Food Network's 'Iron Chef America'); mixed martial artist Chuck Liddell; professional snowboarder Louie Vito; Olympic swimmer Natalie Coughlin," and "former Dallas Cowboys wide receiver Michael Irvin."

The bug-killing sociopath probably won't last long, since drunk people seldom dance as well as they think they do. And the show's producers seem to be prepared for the possibility that Tom might be ratings poison by making damned sure he's voted off the show.

"In the middle of our season, over three weeks, we're going to have double eliminations," said DWTS host Tom Bergeron. "We'll lose about half of our cast within that period. It will be a ballroom bloodbath."

Still, how much does it suck that you can't find a decent job, but a career criminal like Tom DeLay can? Sure, it's at the expense of his dignity (assuming he ever had any), but still... Who's on the season after that, Bernie Madoff? (Associated Press)

-What a wonderful man...-
This weekend, noted right wing skinhead Samuel "Joe the Plumber" Wurzelstrudel told the RightOnline conference of wingnut bloggers that Nancy Pelosi was the worst person to ever live in the history of worst people ever living. Typically misunderstanding an op-ed Pelosi penned, Wurzelschnitzel claimed that she called teabaggers "un-American."

"For Pelosi to write about us bein' un-American and disprespectful -- I'll tell ya what: I respect nobody who lies to me and manipulates me and takes my money and puts my children in debt," Wurzelbinky said. "They want me to be respectful toward them? Please!... You know, I'm not the most civilized person: Those kind of people, I usually took behind the woodshed and just beat the livin' tar out of 'em."

Given a chance to take back the statement that beating the living shit out of a 69 year-old grandmother would be an awesome thing to do, Wurzelpooper failed to do so. "Let me start off by saying that I don't advocate the violence, however, that being said, Congress has been lying to us for years," he told lefty blogger Adele Stan afterwards. "They take advantage of us, they manipulate us, and years ago people like that would've been taken behind the woodshed and slapped upside the head a couple times. I'm not telling people to go out and do that and I don't advocate that if we can make our point through facts." The point is on your dome, Sam. If you stopped shaving your head, it wouldn't be so obvious.

But really, can you possibly take someone who says, "I don't advocate violence, but granny there deserves a beatin', just like they used to do in ye oldie days!" seriously? I don't think so. How far back time is he talking about here? Because they used to burn witches and heretics, too. I don't think that's the best model for justice you could pick.

Then again, no one hires Samuel "Joe the Plumber" Strudelwurst because he says smart things. They hire him because they can count on him to say wingnut things. That's his real marketable skill, as a professional dumbfuck. (Think Progress)

-Now she deserves a beating with a bat-
Nancy Pelosi struck back at the idea that the public option is a no go in Washington. Turns out there are two house of congress (who knew?) and one of them is going to put out a bill with a government health care plan.

"There is strong support in the House for a public option. In the House, all three of our bills contain a public option as does the bill from the Senate HELP Committee," Pelosi said, pushing back at White House feelers about dropping the option.

I don't check to see what Sam Wurzelboopie's stances on issues are, mostly because you don't have to be the Amazing Kreskin to get inside that cantaloupe he calls a head. So I'm guessing he's probably against a public option, mostly because it's smart. He's against smart, because smart is elitist.

I guess Nancy Pelosi better stay away from woodsheds -- or at least, stay out from behind them. Apparently that's the proper place to pound the crap out of 69 year-old grandmas. I don't know, I don't keep up with the etiquette of proper elder abuse, either. (Plum Line)

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