Lying About a Republican Health Care Plan

Doctor from old cigarette adIn the health care non-debate, Republicans, astroturf lobbyists, and corporations are dominating what some are laughably calling "the conversation." I put that in quotes, because if you can call one side trying to talk while the other shouts, "Shut up! shut up!" a "conversation," you have less respect for language than I do. What the right is doing in this non-debate -- as I've pointed out before (and later had confirmed) -- is playing an aggressive defense. If this was an actual debate, the talking points wingnuts got before they went to town halls would include phrases like, "What we ought to do is..." and "It seems to me it'd make more sense if we..." As it is, we've got people worried that Obama's going to kill Sarah Palin's baby and Stephen Hawking. No one's talking about alternatives because no one on the right is interested in alternatives. They like things fine just the way they are. Insurance companies are making incredible amounts of money, while having to provide less coverage. What's not to love?

People are buying the "death panel" idea, insane and stupid as it is, because it fits the stereotype that the right has created for liberals over the years. Liberals are, after all, bloodthirsty monsters who are so selfish that they want to kill babies in the womb for the sake of convenience. Decade after decade, the right has painted those on the left as people with no regard for human life (never mind Bush's wars) and what we're seeing now is the culmination of that messaging. It works because the right has spent years teaching a gullible audience to believe it.

What Democrats could do is counter the stereotype-fitting lies with our own stereotypes. But this would require a left wing media as eager to lie as the right wing media. And we just don't have people as skilled in fiction-based politics as Glenn Beck, Sean Hannity, Sarah Palin, Michelle Malkin, Bill O'Reilly, Rush Limbaugh, Michael Savage, WorldNetDaily, Drudge Report, Washington Times, Lou Dobbs, Laura Ingraham, FOX News, Ann Coulter, Dick Morris, Jerome Corsi, Mark Levin, or Newt Gingrich. That's the short list.

I volunteer to step in and lie my lying ass off about what Republicans want out of health care reform. I'll do it. Here are your stereotype-appropriate talking points:

-In a gift to oil companies, Americans will be required -- by law -- do drink a quart of crude oil a day. The health benefits of this are obviously questionable, but they'll cook up something.

-Gays will be required to undergo "de-gaying." This consists of being prayed over night and day, eating red meat, and watching Chuck Norris movies. This will be paid for with a tax cut.

-People who've had sex changes will be required by law to change back. This will be paid for with a tax cut.

-If you like your health insurance, you can't keep it.

-Abortion will obviously not be covered under the Republican plan. In fact, women of childbearing age will be required to become pregnant at least once every two years. Needless to say, birth control won't be covered either.

-Illegal aliens will be shot, because they spread leprosy, cholera, and genital moss. This will be paid for with a tax cut.

-Belief in the science behind global warming, evolution, and a sun-centered solar system will become a "mental defect," treated with an intensive seven week stay in a "therapy" camp. This will be paid for with a tax cut.

-Faith-healing becomes mandatory.

-If faith-healing fails, you're declared an "unredeemable heathen" and automatically become an illegal alien.

-Gold is declared a vitamin and people can buy as much as they want, untaxed.

-The permanent elimination of the capital gains tax. It's got nothing to do with health, but who cares?

-Nancy Pelosi is declared a plague.

-Free viagra. This will be paid for with a tax cut.

-English-only medicine. No more of that fancy-pants elitist Latin or Greek.

-Government will be required to set prices for pharmaceuticals through a price governing board. Corporations will submit bids and only the highet bid will be accepted. Generics will be illegal.

-Free bronzer, because every American should be a healthy orange, Like John Boehner. This will be paid for with a tax cut.

-Medical marijuana will be made, according to the language in Republicans' plan, "illegaler."

-Under the "Benjamin Franklin provision," Americans will be required by law to go to bed early and get up early. Those who fail to become healthier, wealthier, and wiser will be declared illegal aliens.

-Health savings accounts. Because everyone is finding it so easy to put money aside these days.

-Tobacco is declared a vital mineral.

There you go. If you want to make up some of your own, go ahead. That's the way politics works these days. You don't use reason, you don't make arguments, you just make up crazy lies and hope enough idiots buy them. It's not about the truth, it's not about what's good for America, it's about what's good for corporations and what gets you elected. Who cares if any of it's true? Not your most loyal supporters -- they just go ahead and believe whatever crazy thing they want anyway, so why not guide those beliefs?

So there's a Republican health care plan and it'll kill everyone. End of story. No debate. If you disagree with that statement, then you get to shut up. And if you don't shut up, we'll just yell and shout and hoot like freakin' monkeys until no one can hear you.

That's the way we do it in America now. That's what we're calling "democracy" these days. If that doesn't sound like any way to run a railroad, take it up with the GOP. That's the way they want it.


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