News Roundup for 9/28/09

Texican medical book

-Headline of the day-
"Thousands of Texans Attend 'Largest Free Clinic Ever Held In The United States' To Get Health Care."

Hey, why screw with the healthcare system when you can get free care now, right? If we get that commie Obamacare stuff, them Texicans are gonna secede!

Of course, if their big secession idea gets rolling, they'd better hope they don't get into a shooting war, because they're in no shape for one. According to the report, local station ABC-13 reported, "More than 2,000 people came to Reliant Center to see doctors for free. Many of the people we talked to can't afford health insurance, especially in the rough economy. Some say it shows the need for health care reform."

"My foot was turned upside down," said one patient. "I really don't have the money to keep going to doctors and doctors."

Another, a diabetic, said he'd "been without insurance for six months."

"We can’t afford medicine," said nine year-old Kempton Robinson.

"We had no idea the overwhelming response we would have, the cries for help from the city of Houston and the state of Texas..." says Dr. Mehmet Oz, one of the organizers of the clinic. "This is the largest health mobilization in Houston since Katrina. So a national disaster which brought out this kind of response is now paralleled by a national disaster, because this is just an average day in Houston, and there are thousands of people who need help."

Of course, these are all just slackers who aren't pulling their weight. In the glorious Texican Republic, they'll probably cross the border and become illegal aliens. And then Texas will finally belong to the people God meant it to belong to -- rich assholes who'd rather watch people suffer than pay a dime in taxes.

Have fun swabbing your own toilets, Mr. Texican CEO. And Gov. Perry's going to have to mow his own damned lawn.

See. all the people who aren't rich are going to take off and live someplace where everyone's not freakin' crazy. (Think Progress)


-And while we're on the subject...-
...turns out a lot of those patients at the free clinic were probably the result of the Texican edumacation.

According to the report, "Texas currently has the third-highest teen birth rate in the country and 'the highest rate of repeat teen births.' It also leads the nation in the amount of government money it spends on abstinence-only education." Texas kids are also experiencing rising rates of fun new experiences like chlamydia, gonorrhea, syphilis, and HIV/AIDS.

So some school districts are saying screw it, this abstinence crap isn't working. Warnings that abandoning the programs will make Jesus sad aren't swaying heathen America-destroyers, like lead teacher for health and physical education at the Hays Consolidated Independent School District, Whitney Self.

"We mainly did it because of our pregnancy rate," Self said. "We don't think abstinence-only is working."

Yeah, probably not. It sure doesn't seem to be anyway. Maybe Texas should try to secede from reality.

Because the federal government doesn't seem to be their problem. (Think Progress)


-Breathe, damn you!-
Global warming? Pffft! Try global not-warming.

Turns out that the nation's oil and coal-producers have stumbled across a little bit of a crisis -- and they'll be buying ads to let you know all about it.

According to the report, "In a 'smoking is good for you' twist on reality, the ads actually call for higher levels of carbon dioxide, the primary heat-trapping gas driving global warming. The Competitive Enterprise Institute, an industry-funded libertarian think tank, released similar ads last year."

See, the real problem isn't that there's too much CO2 out there, the problem is that there isn't enough. We need more carbon dioxide or all the plants will die and we'll all starve and then you'll be sorry. You want that? Well, do you, commie?

How can we get more CO2 into the air, thereby saving the planet from mass extinction? Burn shit. Burn coal and petroleum and that can of sewing machine oil you forgot about in your pantry. Then go buy some more. Burn it, then buy it, then burn it, then buy it... lather, rinse, repeat.

I mean, it's not like coal and petroleum producers would have any reason to get you to do this... (Union of Concerned Scientists)