News Roundup for 9/21/09

Playboy magazine cover
Totally gay...

-Headline of the day-
"Sen. Tom Coburn's (R-Okla.) Chief of Staff: 'All Pornography Is Homosexual Pornography.'"

No, that's not a misstatement. It's what you call a "damned lie." See, at the big Value Voters Summit, Coburn chief of staff Michael Schwartz came up with a great way to get the kids to stop looking at pictures of naked ladies on the internets -- tell them it'll turn you gay, guaranteed.

Speaking about a friend who'd run a hospice for gay men with AIDS, Schwartz said, "One of the things he said to me, that I think is an astonishingly insightful remark... he said 'All pornography is homosexual pornography, because all pornography turns your sexual drive inwards.'" Why "turning your sexual drive inwards" makes you gay is different question -- one I guess we're not supposed to think about.

According to the report, there "were murmurs and gasps from the crowd" after the statement -- assumedly from people turning to each other and saying, "Look, I'm as crazy as the next wingnut, but that's just stupid." Then Mike explained the reasoning.

"Now, think about that," he said. "And if you tell an 11-year-old boy about that, do you think he's going to want to get a copy of Playboy? I'm pretty sure he’ll lose interest. That's the last thing he wants! You know, that's a good comment, it’s a good point, and it's a good thing to teach young people."

See, it's like when people started telling kids that if you masturbate, you'll go blind. That's why no one masturbates anymore, because lying about things sexual is always a great educational strategy. If you tell kids that looking a pictures of boobs will make them gay, then they won't want to look at boobs. And, if they're already gay, they're damned anyway, so screw 'em -- plus, they're aren't looking at chemically-inflated ladies anyway. So I guess that's not a problem. Besides, convincing boys that getting a hardon from looking at a girl's naked body makes them a big freakin' pervert can't possibly have unhealthy consequences.

So, mixing complete falsehoods with homophobia, fear, and confusion is a parenting tool for these people. Makes you wonder what kind of "values" these voters are supposed to have. No wonder they're all nuts -- their parents brought them up the same way. It's a vicious cycle. (Washington Independent)

The host of FOX News' Straitjacket Rants with Glenn Beck is extremely worried about federal spending and bailouts. It makes him crazy to think of all the money we're spending in our weak-Keynesian attempt to set the economy straight. It's insane and he's set up tea parties and a 9/12 rally so people could get out on the street and say that Obama's a socialist, like Hitler, because of them. In fact, the bailouts are the purest evil, like ACORN.

Of course, it's Obama's bailouts that are a big problem. When the giant foamcore check had George W. Bush's signature on it, he was more understanding.

"But these are anything but normal times. I thought about it an awful lot this weekend, and while it takes everything in me to say this, I think the bailout is the right thing do," he said in September of 2008, while still working for CNN. "The 'REAL STORY' is the $700 billion that you're hearing about now is not only, I believe, necessary, it is also not nearly enough, and all of the weasels in Washington know it."

Not only was it the right thing to do, but Bush should've spent more. Why? Because he's not a socialist, like Obama. Or something.

You really can't expect Glenn to be consistent. Non-crazy people are consistent. Glenn Beck isn't non-crazy people. (Think Progress)

-There's more to the interwebs than just naked ladies-
There's also Viagra. And uncomfortable truths on those crazy webthingies all the kids use.

According to the report, "Donald Rumsfeld had to be talked out of editing his own entry on Wikipedia, which he referred to as 'Wika-wakka.' He was a Drudge Report reader and used to watch YouTube clips that made fun of his press conference performances."

Not super-surprised he read Drudge. I would also be less than shocked if it turned out that Rummie that it was Gospel. You really wish he'd have edited his Wikipedia entry, though -- it would've become headlines about five minutes after he published the changes. And the YouTube thing? I think the people who put those together are thrilled to learn that Rummie himself used to dial them up on his webputer and fume.

No word on whether he used to google himself up any of those boob photos, but if it turns out he did, I'll let you know. Naked boobs are so gay... (Think Progress)

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