News Roundup for 2/2/10

Satan about to devour the Earth
A glimpse of our inevitable future

-Headline of the day-
"Joint Chiefs of Staff Chairman Mullen: 'It is my personal belief' that repealing DADT is 'the right thing to do.'"

The days of our republic are numbered as the advance of the Homosexual Menace begins to consume our military. Clearly, the End Times are nigh and Jesus is coming back, because soon there will be homosexuals serving in our military!

Ok, so there are already homosexuals serving in our military. But they'll be able to say they're gay, which is the worst thing in the world. Why? Because it is! Don't let reason get in the way of a good panic. If everyone would've stopped and thought, rather than freak out, we wouldn't be Iraq right now. So knock off the rational stuff.

Anyway, this huge Radical Homosexual Conspiracy has reached the upper echelons of our national defense, with Admiral Michael Mullen, the Chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff, telling congress we have to lie back and let homosexuals ram their agenda down our throats.

"[I]t is my personal belief that allowing gays and lesbians to serve openly would be the right thing to do," Mullen said. "No matter how I look at this issue, I cannot escape being troubled by the fact that we have in place a policy that forces young men and women to lie about who they are in order to defend their fellow citizens."

Oh yeah? Well just you wait. Experts say that allowing gays already in the military to actually say that they're gay will inevitably lead to reinstating the draft and probably a second 9/11 and/or an earthquake.

So, for the love of God, don't stop freaking out! It's our only hope! (Think Progress, with video)

-GOP's Crow Luncheon-
In case you missed it last night, Jon Stewart covers the big Obama v. GOP retreat debacle and manages to get a great dig in at FOX News at the end.

The Daily Show With Jon StewartMon - Thurs 11p / 10c
Q & O
Daily Show
Full Episodes
Political HumorHealth Care Crisis

Well played, Mr. Stewart. Well played, indeed. (Daily Show)

-Bonus HotD-
"It's LOST Day -- At Last."

The final season of the often confusing and always entertaining puzzle show LOST begins tonight. Tonight is the night I'm pretty sure I'll begin to learn that I was wrong about everything -- or not, which is cool too.

If you know me and call me while the show is on, there will be serious repercussions for you. Just sayin'. (TVOVermind)

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