Ryanair wants to charge extra for the use of its toilets: It’s a start but here are five more ways for them to fleece the passengers

(YOU can beat the system too…!)

By now, you must have heard the wonderful news that Ryanair, the famously cheap, no frills airline, has found a way to become even frilllesser:

“It has long cost more than a penny to use a public lavatory but Ryanair is threatening to bring a whole new meaning to sky-high prices by charging passengers to use its aircraft’s toilets. Michael O’Leary, the budget airline’s chief executive, revealed today that it is considering coin slots on cubicle doors. He insisted this would not inconvenience passengers.”

It’s a wonderful idea, of course, even though it hardly goes far enough – as there are many other things Ryanair could consider as extras and, subsequently, charge for.

So, if I were master Michael O’Leary I would stop faffing around and ask at least a pound per safety vest and another two pounds for the oxygen mask (with an extra ten pence for every minute that it is used during an actual emergency.)

Also, another five pounds for the use of a chair (with an extra pound for the seat belt) would be eminently reasonable.

Since Ryanair only promises to fly people to their destination cheaply, it could, after the plane had landed, charge at least ten pounds per customer for the use of one of those exit stairs – or another fifty pounds to be flown straight back, in case travellers refused to pay up. (After which Ryanair would charge them those same ten pounds when the plane landed back home, of course.)

Obviously, there are even more ways of making an extra few bobs. Ryanair could play the collected speeches of Gordon Brown (or an endless loop of ‘Crazy frog does ABBA’) loudly over the speakers and then charge a fiver for the use of soundproof headphones.

They could also have a few onboard lepers and plague carriers, who would only be parachuted out, after the passengers had, collectively, collected another 1000 pounds.

As I already stated, charging for the use of the toilets is a good start but, as the above examples show, there are many more ways that this cheap flight specialist can become even cheaper than they have proven themselves to be, right now.