Italian scientists versus NASA: Penis enhancement or little green men with little green dicks?

(To boldly go ever so slightly bonkers…)

Ah, science: Glorious, bountiful, beautiful science…

You heard about this following story, of course:

“NASA is preparing to launch the Kepler space telescope to help answer a question that has boggled the minds of astronomers for centuries: is Earth the only habitable planet in the galaxy? “This mission attempts to answer a question that is as old as time itself — are other planets like ours out there?” said Ed Weiler, Associate Administrator for NASA’s Science Mission Directorate. “It’s not just a science mission, it’s an historical mission.”"

Yes, well, I’m sure but, truly, who gives a fuck?

It is (falsely) claimed that Hermann Goering once said, “When I hear the word culture, I reach for my gun”.

So, whenever I hear the expression “It’s an historical mission” I see George Bush on that airplane carrier, with that infamous “Mission Accomplished” banner behind him.

(Limb dick in need of enhancement…)

Not that I want to suggest that NASA is boldly going to try and

1) find weapons of mass destruction
2) liberate little green men from an evil dictator
3) get cheap oil and/or
4) impress Jodie Foster.

It’s just that nobody really cares about that shit. No, what we want our scientists to do is to concern themselves with much bigger, much more satisfying and uplifting matters.

Like this brave team of Italian researchers did manage to do:

“Volunteers who tried out a penis extension device increased the length of their manhood by almost a third, a team of Italian researchers have reported. The device improved erectile function by up to 36 per cent. No significant increase in girth was reported. A “satisfaction” rating system produced high scores for length during erection and sex life. A total of 21 “highly motivated” patients with an average age of 47 were recruited for the study, which involved using the extension device every day for six months. Five patients failed to complete the course for different reasons, including “pain and penile bruising”. The Andro-Penis device consists of a plastic ring, two extender rods, and a silicon band to hold the penis in place.”

Now, that’s what I call progress.

It’s all very well for Freudians to remind us that space rockets are phallic symbols but symbols can take us only so far – and while it’s fun to imagine whole worlds out there, filled with little green men with tiny green penises that we could make fun of, it is slightly more practical to take care of our own equipment first.

After all, a ring around your dick does more for you than all the rings around Saturn ever will.

(A Cheney home movie…?)