News Roundup for 6/9/10

Probably a communist, like Hitler

-Headline of the day-
"After Spouting Anti-Government Rhetoric, Rubio Solicits 'Assistance Of The Federal Government' On Oil Spill."

Government is bad, bad, bad. If you doubt that, consider the people who had them; Hitler, Stalin, Mao, etc. That's why the founders of the United States of America sat down and wrote a Constitution with only five words; "This is not a government!" And the American people have lived in glorious anarchy ever since.

Or, at least, we were supposed to. Which is why people like Florida senatorial candidate Marco Rubio wants to be in government: to kill it dead, dead, dead. This is why the teabaggers love him so much. They know the true measure of patriotism lies in how much you hate the American government.

But it turns out that Marco's a fairweather gummint-hater. Let a little thing like barrels of oil reach Florida beaches and he's all like, "Help big government! Help!" Now, containing the oil slick has to be "the number one priority of the federal government" -- that's right, big gummint! -- and he told Greta Van Susternoony that "only the federal government" could protect the marshes of neighbor Louisiana.

"If people do not enjoy your beaches you don't have revenue to run your government, and you are in a deeper financial problem aside from the ecological damage. Now what?" asked Van Slusterfella.

"Obviously, you want to make sure people have confidence in the state of Florida with the assistance of the federal government is doing everything it can to protect beaches," Marco answered.

I think he might be a gummint spy. Watch this guy closely, teabagging patriots. (Think Progress, with video)


-Traditional America Values are doomed!-
Former Republican Presidential hopeful and current professional FOX News crazy person Mike Huckabee has a political action committee with the whizbang name HuckPAC. See, it sounds like your first two morning coughs, so you're always reminded of it. Pretty clever!

Anyway, HuckPAC exists to elect people who'll save America from communism, the devil, terrorists, and the teachers' union. So last night's primaries were a big night. How did HuckPAC candidates do? Let's see.

California, lose. Iowa, lose. South Carolina, lose. Another California... Win! Yay for HuckPAC! Of course, that one was uncontested.

"As we sort through election results, there were some victories of candidates we supported and there were some unfortunate defeats," Huckabee said in a statement.

Someone needs to explain the concept of "plural" to Mike. (Right Wing Watch)


-Bonus HotD-
"Unknown Candidate Wins Senate Nomination."

The new Democratic nominee to the Senate for South Carolina is Alvin Greene, an unemployed military vet, who won the primary despite the fact that he "raised no money in the contest, had no signs and no website." Woohoo! Underdog rises to the challenge!

Of course, there's a little bit of a problem with a felony charge and he doesn't stand a chance in hell against Jim Demint, but congrats anyway bud.

South Carolina, proving political insanity isn't a partisan thing. (Political Wire)