News Roundup for 6/4/10

cover from The Russian Album
More proof Paul McCartney hates America

-Headline of the day-
"Outrage! Paul McCartney makes Bush joke!"

Paul McCartney once took over America with a bunch of insurgents called "The Beatles." After some time, America was freed from the iron boot of the British Invasion by Jimi Hendrix playing The Star-Spangled Banner and Stone Free. Everyone knows this and Texas textbooks are being written to show it. This dark period in American history was actually celebrated last night, when Barack HUSSEIN Obama presented Sir Paul with some kind of award from the Library of Congress, I guess because he always returned his books on time.

So Paul made people listen to him sing Whoo! for a while and when he was done, he said, "After the last eight years, it's good to have a president that knows what a library is." People checked with Bush and found out he did, in fact, know what a lieberry is. So it was safe to freak out over McCartney's joke.

And freak out a bunch of bloggers proceeded to do. One called him "Sir Jerk," because rightwingers don't really get puns. Another said that Penny Lane is pretty, but Paul McCartney is a horse's butt. Even house minority leader John Boehner got his orange self in on the fun.

"Like millions of other Americans, I have always had a good impression of Paul McCartney and thought of him as a classy guy, but I was surprised and disappointed by the lack of grace and respect he displayed at the White House," Boehner said in an official statement. "I hope he'll apologize to the American people for his conduct which demeaned him, the White House and President Obama."

So that's the new rule. Someone tells a Bush joke and the house minority leader sends out an official statement demanding an apology. I hope Boehner doesn't start watching late night talk shows or he's gonna get writer's cramp. (Salon)

-S. Carolina is very strange-
Man, is this one ever complicated. Where to begin?

OK, so there's this crazy teabagger lady in S. Carolina who likes to have a lot of sex with bloggers (and here I am, sitting up in Wisconsin like a chump). Anyway, she's running for Governor to replace that one guy who likes to have a lot of sex with ladies from Argentina. This is S. Carolina and they're crazy, so the Democrats are pretty much out on this one; meaning all the drama is in different factions of the Republican party.

So there was this internet radio show called "Pub Politics" -- where I guess they get Republicans drunk, then make them say things people will laugh at -- and this fella Jake Knotts, who they let be a state senator when he's not hammered, told a really funny joke. "We already got one raghead in the White House," Knotts said. "We don't need another in the Governor's Mansion."

Get it? See, it's because Barack HUSSEIN Obama is a secret illegal alien Kenyan terr'ist and the blogger-sex lady -- Nikki Haley -- is an American born to Punjabi Sikh parents. In case the audience didn't get the joke, Knotts explained, "We're at war over there." Whether he meant India or Kenya isn't exactly clear, but either way he's wrong.

So Knotts is in hot water for being a racist and geographically-challenged moron, which doesn't help his faction's cause any. See, he's an ally of Lt. Gov. Andre Bauer, who may be gay, enjoys breaking traffic laws, likes to talk like Mussolini, and is also running for Governor. And one of the bloggers Haley liked to have sex with used to work for Bauer, so the whole thing is just one confusing grudge-fuck soap opera. To make things even more fun, they're all completely insane and they're all busy trying to outcrazy each other.

You know what? Don't try to make sense of any of it. It's like a Benny Hill skit. Just grab some popcorn and try to enjoy watching a bunch of idiots chase around for a while.

It helps if you hum Yakety Sax. (The State)

-Bonus HotD-
"Beck Blames One Of Fox News' Largest Shareholders, Saudi Prince Alwaleed Bin Talal, For 9/11."

Someone's not getting their Eid al-Fitr bonus this year... (Think Progress, with video)

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