News Roundup for 2/6/09

Yeah, I'm talkin' to you, punk-ass

-Headline of the day-
"Obama chews GOP a new asshole."

Ok, that's not the real headline, it's just the headline I would've written -- which explains why no one's offering me a job writing headlines. The actual headline, if you're into the boring, is "Obama delivers fiery speech to Democrats on stimulus."

Mine's more descriptive. According to the report, "President Barack Obama has fired a biting campaign-style attack on Republicans and the former Bush administration, seeking to drive his 900 billion dollar stimulus plan through Congress."

In "searing attacks on Republicans," Obama reminded them of what exactly happened in November, saying that voter hadn't chosen "false theories of the past and they didn't vote for phony arguments and petty politics." On GOP complaints about deficit spending, the president set the record straight.

"I found this deficit when I showed up," Obama said. "I found this a national debt double wrapped in a big bow waiting for me as I stepped into the Oval Office." Sounds like the worst housewarming gift ever. Then again, I suppose it could've been worse. I'm surprised Dick Cheney didn't take a crap in all the desk drawers.

Remember that guy you voted for? I think he might be back. (Agence France-Presse, with video)


-Cartoon time with Mark Fiore-
Hey kids! We're flyin' high with Wall Street Executive Air!


Click for animation

In the case of an economic crash, the taxpayer may be used as a flotation device. (MarkFiore,com)


-Bonus HotD-
"RNC scraps plans to develop a policy think tank."

It's probably the "think" part that scared them off, but it turns out that the Republican party has abandoned plans to build a "new, in-house think tank aimed at reviving the party’s policy heft." As originally envisioned, the group would've been called the Center for Republican Renewal, with a mission to create a policy-driven agenda, because the "Republican Party must not cede the policy field to the Democrats,"

As currently envisioned, it's called that crazy idea Mike Duncan had before he was voted out as RNC chair, with a mission to not actually exist. After all, who needs policy when you're a knee-jerk reactionary? Everything the Democrats do is wrong, so the Republican party practically steers itself -- whatever the dems want to do, the GOP is against it. What's to think about?

Besides, thinking about policy is for fancy-pants elitists. Real Americans think with their gut.

And Republican guts get indigestion from Democratic ideas. Check your brain at the door, pansy. Leave the thinking to the gays and the terr'ists and those hoity-toity sciencey types. Thought is for eggheads and ivory-tower intellectuals and and other anti-American groups.

No think thank for Republicans, thank you very much. They'll do just fine listening to their jerking knees. (Think Progress)