News Roundup for 2/4/09

Probably terr'ist buses

-Headline of the day-
"Donald Rumsfeld Struggles to Board Bus."

According to Roll Call, Rummie -- the neocon God of War -- was defeated last weekend by a city bus. Icy conditions in DC made roads hazardous for driving, so Rumsfeld wisely decided it was time to leave the driving to the professionals. Waiting with his Metrobus SmartCard -- a stored value card used for bus fare in the nation's capital -- Rumsfeld "stood quietly" waiting for the number 42.

Finally, the bus pulled up, but "was too packed to pick up any more passengers." So Rummie hoofed it to wherever he was going. I swear this next part is true and copied verbatim from the news report.

"He made it down the hill just fine... He didn't fall or anything."

There's no word on whether he was enjoying a stick of Wrigley's at the time, so reports that Odysseus Rumsfeld -- a mastermind, like Zeus -- can indeed walk and chew gum at once remain unconfirmed. (Huffington Post)


-Joe the Egotist-
First, he was Joe the Plumber -- except, he didn't have a plumber's license. Then, he was Joe the War Correspondent -- except, he didn't really get this whole "journalism" thing. Now, he's Joe the Economist -- and he isn't any good at that, either.

After a speaking engagement at a House GOP breakfast on the economic recovery package, the New York Daily news got a few words out of Samuel Werzelwhateverthehellhisrealnameis. “It’s not politically incorrect to say you’re Republican or conservative,” Joe said. “They need to dig their heels in and fight for what needs to be done.”

Something that needs to be done is killing the stimulus package, because the "American government" is "kicking our butts left and right." Normally, the right refers to people declare enmity with American government as "terr'ists," but this is Joe the Plumber/War Correspondent/Economist we're talking about here. For some reason, they think this intellectual lightweight is a god. And by "lightweight," I mean "negative weight, like a large volume of helium." According to the report, Joe the Economist confused the stimulus package with welfare.

Asked if he had plans to run for office, Joe the Get-A-Goddam-Career-Already answered, "I don’t know if the American public deserve me, but my son definitely deserves my time now."

That doesn't seem fair to me. What'd his son ever do to deserve him? Must've been pretty bad... (Think Progress)


-Bonus HotD-
"Obama Says What Bush Couldn't: 'I Screwed Up.'"

I'd change that headline from "couldn't," to "wouldn't." Bush had plenty of opportunity to use those three little words, so he could've -- he just didn't. Mostly because he's a prick. Otherwise, dead on.

In an interview with NBC's Brian Williams, the failed Daschle nomination came up. "I've got to own up to my mistake. Ultimately, it's important for this administration to send a message that there aren't two sets of rules — you know, one for prominent people and one for ordinary folks who have to pay their taxes," Obama said. "I'm frustrated with myself, with our team... I'm here on television saying I screwed up."

Yeah, you did. But at least you weren't a dick about it, like some presidents I could name. (MoJo Blog)